From: XXX@XX.com
Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 11:50:22 EDT
Subject: short story?
To: joseph@josephlarkin.com

a lion awakes
[Wotta title!!]

it was my third night in the desert.
on the first, i had realized that i was going to die.
so by the third i was ready.

i dont know how long i had walked.
a lot.
i had walked a lot.

when i saw it, it fit.
it was current.
288 windows. tall and screaming black.
the type that you pass by on the interstate, and look back at as it grows while the car you are in keeps driving.
that you stay at once when you are a kid, always asking your parents why you never returned.
elevators that rang with electricity.
clean clean rooms that were lit in off white by $58 lamps.
the kind that the good doctors stay in.

suddenly changed, the hiearchy now went: hotel, sky, scenery.

no matter what you may think about what took place there, i know i did one good thing.
i went into it.

my motives for this were simple.
i was ready to die.
i was very convinced and certain that this was the place for it to happen.
i thought id get a room, shave very well, and then lie down to die.

once inside, i could only stare.
what my eyes saw was almost holy.
to describe it to you would be to lie. it was that beautiful.
this is the place that i have come to die, i thought.

i walked up the true marble steps, briefly glanced back at the revolving doors, and checked into a room.

the first person that i encountered was in the elevator.
he was a man much older than me. pulled straight out of 1929. grey suit, shined black shoes, and a velvet top hat. in his shaking right hand, he held a suitcase.

i felt all that had haunted me in the desert be let go when i saw him. i felt like i knew who he was. like i knew why i was here.

this lasted for somewhere near eight seconds. despite the moonish white 1 and 2 having successfully turned to lamp lit gold, we never reached the third floor. the old man suddenly rammed the top part of his left hand against the door release button. he was out the doors the instant that light poured in.

i want to tell you that other weird things began to happen immediately. that once the doors of the elevator were fully opened, i saw a hallway filled with fire. that upon entering my room, i found the devil waiting for me, sitting in a chair.
but these things did not happen.
that night, nothing happenned.
i pressed the door close button, tried not to think, and stared vacantly overhead, watching each successive number light up and fade. when 18 lit, i exited the elevator.

removing a key from my back pocket, i opened the door to my room. i was so fucking tired that i went straight to bed. [I'll admit that I actually like that line -- if you were to take it out of the context of this story, it would be a very nice line.]

i slept through the entire next day.
when i at last awoke, i felt open.

i had walked through a desert for three full days.
i cannot remember how i got there, or anytime before it.
i only recall the opening of my eyes, my body wanting to revolt as the initial wave of nausea coursed through me.
after i settled down, i took stock.
what lay before me was beautiful.
the land stretched out for as far as i could see, bathed in the color of fine rust.

my first thought was that i should just sit there. wait for someone to come pick me up. [Did you catch that one??]
this was soon dispelled.
looking up, i saw that night had begun to fall, and i suddenly felt the compulsion to walk.

my eyes darted around the room.
they rested upon the pulsing red message light of the telephone.
still coming out of sleep, i mechanically picked up the reciever and placed it to my ear.
a voice came through, hard and precise:
"dear guest, you are invited to attend a reception which is to be held in the main ballroom this evening. the proceedings will begin promptly at eight o clock. dress attire is required."

i did not know what to think.
trying to lay back down, i stretched my legs out and hit upon a forgotten sound.
i placed it quick.
tuesday nights.
she had always brought home my just cleaned suits on tuesday nights.
raising my body back up i saw what i had expected to see.
at the end of the bed lay a pressed black tuxedo, still in cleaners plastic.

black dress shoes pressed gently upon marroon carpet. as he made his way down the corridor, his eyes glanced over the framed pictures that lined the walls. sailboats and flying gulls. moving slowly, he ran four fingers over the silver shine of a doorknob. he found no dust as he raised his hand to his eyes.

with three doors remaining to the elevator, he met her.
she would change his life.

a lock clicked open.
he was forced to turn around.
she came out strong. in a dark green velvet dress, her hair ended where her neckline began.
almost softly, she spoke to him.
"hello"
"hello" he returned.
staring into the far back of his eyes, she took the lead "are you going to the reception?"
"yes. yes, i think i am"
"may i join you then?" with a smile
"yes, that would be nice."

they walked arm in arm down the corridor.
he looked close at her face.
a perfect white.
light green eyes, thin lips. she was the most attractive woman he had ever seen.
he pushed himself closer against her, and she returned his favor.

like sliding windows, the elevator doors passed themselves and closed.
she pushed 1.
a familiar sound began.
he could not take his eyes off her.
he felt the need to connect.
"i ask you something?"
without looking at him, she said yes.
"do you know where we are? where this hotel is? because i cant figure it out. i"
she cut him short
"did you meet an old man the first time that you were in this elevator?"
her tone was serious, almost businesslike
"yes, i"
again, she cut him short
"you were supposed to" [Cue thunderclap!!]

the rest of the way down we were quiet.
with bing we exited the elevator.
not knowing where to go once we set foot in the lobby, i followed her.
we walked past the unmanned reception desk, we walked past the fountain.
she moved with long strides, and made me feel young when i was beside her.
coming to a large doorway, she stopped.
i could make out the hum of voices.
she turned back to face me.
"look, i know youre lost. well talk about it later, i promise. but for right now, weve got to go into that ballroom and act like were both o.k."
i had been so absorbed in her that i had completely forgotten about the reception.
letting her go on ahead of me, i stood in awe at the scene before me. in a ballroom the size of a ships deck, underneath row upon row of gleaming chandeliers, stood what appeared to be over five hundred doctors.
drinks in hand, conversations flowing like storm drains. [Genius! Me, I would've said "flowed like wine" since they're at a party, but whatever.]

though he was unaware of it at the time, the second that he set foot in the ballroom, every doctor knew.
glasses still clinked, white mouths still moved, but in alternating sweeps of their eyes, each black suited doctor looked him over and took note of his presence.
they had been waiting for him for some time.
he interested them.
at one time or another in their lives, they had all once been in his place.
but they had transformed themselves.
and now they were better for it.

he looked for her, but she was gone.
his eyes furitively darting to find her, he thought that for a moment he caught site of her green dress in the crowd of black. but if he had, he lost it.
what now? he began to think, but before he could finish the thought, he noticed a man walking towards him.
waving, saying something, the man was apparently trying to get his attention.
he wore thick glasses and walked with quick steps.
he looked like a hunting fox.
his words were perfectly enunciated and spaced out.
"ah, hello. good to see that you could attend this evenings reception mr. costek. how are you finding things eh? let me introduce you to a few people, let me show you around"
he took my hand.
he led me through the moving crowd.
as the people swarmed closer, the voices bouncing off of each other like solid echoes, he clenched my hand tighter.
i had no idea where he was leading me. i knew so little at that time. but i swear that i could almost feel a pull as we got closer to our destination.
he let go of my hand, and again he spoke.
"excuse me gentlemen. i have someone id like for you to meet"
he said this proudly.
five tall, looming men stopped their conversations and turned their attention towards me. they seemed to lock onto my insides. the tallest one spoke.
"mr. costek, as the head of this organization, allow me to congratulate you on your recent entrance into our privelaged ranks. how are you finding things here? to your liking i presume. . ."
i wasnt sure if i should say anything, so i didnt.
he continued "i will now connect you with our four department heads
mr.
mr.
mr.
mr."
as he rattled off their names, each one took turns bowing.
they then reached out their hands. their palms were lined with oil and sweat. before i could recover, the tallest one spoke again.
"so what do you have planned for the remainder of your night mr. costek? after the reception, we will be having a get together on top of the hotel. will you be able to join us?"
i should have said no.
i could have prevented everything that followed right then. but i didnt. [Oooh, foreshadowing...]
"yes, gladly"
"great" the tallest one replied and then continued "before i let you get back to the reception, do you have any questions mr. costek? understand, well meet again, so if it is a private matter, we can discuss it later..."
i wanted to press this hard
"yes, i do have one question. why am i, out of the entire crowd here tonight, the only one who is wearing a tuxedo?"
his smile was horrible.
and as he spoke, the others swayed in closer.
"why mr. costek, that is an easy one! you are new here. this whole reception is for you. it is a welcoming party for you"

she found me, i did not find her.
i had walked over to the bar right after departing the company of the five tall men, and had proceeded to get myself sloshed as quickly as i could.
from my vantage point, the entire ballroom looked like a fucking zoo.
with every drink that was poured down their mouths, the noise of the crowd grew louder and louder. long legged women bounced perfectly off a revolving stage of doctor upon doctor.
smiles were flashed.
warm hands were held out and soon met.
the whole scene was ridiculous.
she tapped me on the shoulder.
her eyes were a comfort.
"hello doctor" she said
i came unhinged
"look, tell me, what the fuck is this? what is this place?"
she was coy and guarded
"are you ok?"
"no, i am not ok. are you in on all of this? what am i, some kind of fucking guest of honor here?"
i wish right then that she would have looked hurt. or opened up and let me know the truth. but she didnt
again, she played it off "lets get some fresh air"

i found an exit sign, and we headed towards it.
we tried to make our way through the crowd.
as we passed the black suits and perfect women, each one of them tried in their own way to acknowledge me.
wives lost their husbands attention just long enough to run their hands through their hair.
men opened their ferocious eyes wider, or lifted their voices as the two of us approached.
somehow we made our way to the door.
whatever hallway we fell into, it was a blessing.

she tried to sound reassuring
"are you alright?"
i looked at her hands, but could not say anything.
she lit a cigarette, and blue smoke poured out of her mouth.
a long minute passed before either of us spoke again.
i let go
"i need answers. do you have any answers? because those are what i need" [OH MY STUPID FUCKING GOD!!!]
"i have some answers" she said
i could feel my whole body moving
"ok, answer me this. what is that in there? is it a joke? am i dreaming? am i dead?"
"it is not a joke. you are not dreaming. you are not dead"
she was right
"what the fuck is it then?" i screamed [Maybe a little overdramatic here...]
"it is for you"
i felt the nausea surge through me like a thick blue wave. i felt like i was going to vomit.
i tried to calm myself
"i dont even know your name. you are the most beautiful women i have ever met, and i dont even know your name. and you are the second person tonight who has told me that all this is for me. look, do you want to know my life story?"
"i already" she began
"no, listen, i am trying to work this out. so heres my life story. i woke up in a desert. i cannot remember where the fuck i was before that. i wake up in a desert, and i walk for three days. on the third night, i come upon this hotel. out of the utter blue, just when i think i am going to die, i find myself standing in front of what appears to be a completely functioning sleek black hotel. so what do i do? i check into it. why? because i am ready to die. i had been walking for three full days and " [This is really too much -- I mean, did the guy walk in the desert and is he ready to die now or what?! Jesus, beat your point into the ground there, Brian...]
"stop" she said.
she said it calmly, but there was more to it than that. there was almost a sadness to her voice, like she had been through all of this before.
all was still again, and the only sound was the hum of the air conditioner until she eased the words out of her mouth
"i know it. i know your story, i know it all. everyone in there knows it. we all know it. we have all been briefed"

there are times in your life that you wish you could take back.
times that hurt you even if you just think about them.
this was beyond those times.
this was a mindfuck. [!!!]

i remember that the walls were beige. and that where the carpet met the wall, there was a six inch wooden border that ran down the course of the hallway.
and i remember her black hair.
i said this cold, harshly
"tonight, when we first met, did you think you were being cute? introducing yourself, asking if i was going to the reception. was that fun for you?"
she again looked into the back of my eyes "it was while it lasted"

we sat in the hallway talking for another hour.
i wanted it to last forever.
we ended it like this:
"do i have to go back in there?"
"no, youve made your entrance, that is all that was needed for tonight"
i was beginning to fall for her [I can see why...]
"so where to now?" i asked
she smiled
n"ow? why, to the roof silly!" [Where else?]

we took the stairs.
they were normal stairs, like the ones you would find in any office building.
when the stairs stopped, we came to a door.
as she had turned to face me when we entered the ballroom earlier in the night, she turned to face me now
"are you ready for this?" she asked
"ready for what?"
she did not smile.

i could not stop looking.
the night appeared to be suspended by wires. [Ah, the poetry of the naked city...]
thin clouds blanketed the sky and were moving fast.
stars shot before our eyes, and the wind felt cool to our faces.
we were thirty two floors up.

the pool was empty.
scattered around it were an assortment of patio tables and lawn chairs.
at the end of the roof stood a small bar, operated by a thin man in a white dinner jacket.
i walked up close to the pool.
the shallow end alone must have been ten feet deep.
clear blue water slowly lapped against the sides. bright white lights threw themselves into the center, illuminating the whole box in a phosphorescent glow.
i wanted to dive in.

when i looked back up, the whole area was full of people.
every one of them was from the reception.
men had untucked their shirtails, while women had removed their hairpins.
i tried to make out the conversations that carried themselves my way. most of what i heard was talk of tomorrow.

my desire to remain alone must have been weak, because i was soon confronted.
he was a man i had not seen before.
if you took away the glasses, he would have looked just like me.
"so what do you think of the whole thing?" he asked
"i dont know. im not sure what to think"
"i think its fabulous, dont you?"
i think i agreed.
his upper lip appeared to be cut. a small trickle of red blood had begun to crust at the seam.
when he would empahsize words, his tongue would pass over the cut, momentarily erasing the blood.
i decided to get what i could out of him.
"so, are you here by yourself?" i asked
as he responded, he moved his eyes over the crowd, searching for something
"no, my wife is here. . .somewhere. she is trying to make a couple contacts for me"
"contacts?"
"yeah. this is the best time to make them you know he was oddly energetic at the last one, i basically set myself up for the whole year in one night. i think i had more business cards in my pocket than keys and change"
he began to laugh
and then he started again
"let me tell you a secret. youre just starting out here right? well, youre in a great position. people will automatically like you. theyll be bending over backwards just to get a chance to meet you, just to tell others that they spoke with you. so use them. play off of them. they are here to meet you, so what you need to do is find ways to use them. trust me, i was in your same shoes not too long ago kid"
i had no idea what he was talking about.

it went like this for the rest of the night.
people kept approaching, offering advice. they would tell me their names slowly, in the hope that i would remember who they were and how we had met.
i must have heard the same speech nearly twenty times.
i just kept my eyes on the pool and waited for them to leave.

any comments, criticism is much much appreciated.
is it working?
i personally like it, but i need to know what you think is happening...and if it is successful so far.. i can send you a plot sketch....
he is a failed stock broker/businessman who had a breakdown (desert=city). he must be recouperated (how the fuck do you spell that word?) before he can go back out. up to this point he is questioning. after the roof/pool, they talk into the night. she tries to lead him in the right direction....giving him clues and tips on what is going on. they bid goodnight. he ends by watching rain fall outside his window. he wakes up sick the next day. eats breakfast in the same ballroom, though he is by himself. the girl dissapears. she attempts to help him (she has just the day before seen the basement of the hotel....thousands of unconnected wires) and she is dealt with. though he never knows what happens to her. he watches an in depth surgery being performed and understands some of it. he gets sicker...he is checked out and told he is perfectly healthy. (he is! he is becoming like them...) meets wife at a dinner. she says he is looking better.. he slowly begins to become one of them and in the end is gloriously sent back into the city to do his work. he never knows what the whole process is for... and throughout, he begins to acquire the persona of them (doctors......doctors fix people). he gets to the point where he can perform surgeries, give speeches without thinking. he is there to get all the bad things out of him (things that would be good to us...skepticism, questioning)

i read somewhere that thurston [Moore] and kim [Gordon] made their poor girl wear a shirt that said "question authority".
this means they told it to an interviewer.
and are not good parents!

state of my nation: was reading "crime and punishment" (it is not bad). put it down and put on "all hands on the bad one" [by Sleater-Kinney, perhaps one of the worst records this reporter has ever heard in his short life]. there was NO question in my mind what was more important for my well being