Full name: Joseph Patrick Larkin
Nicknames: J.P., J. La, Joseph from the Block, DJ Jazzy J.P., The Irish Combat Boot, Chuckles, The Real Green River Killer
Date of birth: 06/02/78
Place of birth: St. Paul, MN
Sex: Yes, please (oooh, so clever!!!)
Siblings: Three older sisters
Parents: Are alright, they just seem a little weird...
Weight: Roughly one hundred and fifty pounds soaking wet (and by “soaking wet” I mean “turned on”...meow!)
Height: 5’7” soaking wet
Piercings: Labia
Tattoos: A butterfly on my lower back, a Chinese character that means “wisdom” on my elbow, a bar code on the back of my neck and one on my ass that says “Property of Henry Rollins”
Religion: No thanks
Shoe size: I have no idea
Social security number: 572-HEY!!
Hair color: Dirty blond
Eye color: Blue
Writing hand: Right
Masturbating hand: See above
Occupation: Stay-at-home-mom
Marital status: Married but looking
Hobbies: Is chronic masturbation considered a hobby?
Favorite food: That’s a little personal, ain’t it? Popeyes mashed potatoes with gravy
Favorite movies: About Schmidt, Ace in the Hole, The African Queen, Alfie (Michael Caine not Jude Law), Alien, Aliens (guilty pleasureJames Cameron can burn and rot in hell for all I care), All the President’s Men, The Alphabet, American Hardcore, American History X (guilty pleasure), American Movie, American Splendor, An American Werewolf in London, Animal Factory, Annie Hall, The Apartment, Aguirre: The Wrath of God, at least thirty-five percent of Apocalypse Now (there is a beautiful film lost somewhere in this mess...), at least forty percent of Art School Confidential, Audition, The Aura (a.k.a. El Aura), Back to School, Bad Day at Black Rock, Badlands, The Bad News Bears (Walter Matthau not Billy Bob Thornton), The Bad Seed, Bananas, Barton Fink, Battle Royale, The Beaver Trilogy, Being There, Better off Dead, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Bicycle Thieves, The Big Lebowski (I am not made out of stone, people...), Big Night, The Big Sleep, Big Time, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Blazing Saddles, Blood Simple, Blue Velvet, Bonnie and Clyde, Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown, Book of Love, Born Yesterday (Judy Holliday not Melanie Griffith), Bottle Rocket, Bound for Glory, Breaking Away, The Bridge on the River Kwai, Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia, Brighton Beach Memoirs, Broadcast News, Bukowski: Born into This, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Cabin Fever, The Caine Mutiny, Camp Nowhere, Cannibal Holocaust, Carnival of Souls )original, obviously), Casablanca, Catch-22, Charade, Charley Varrick, Children of Men, Chinatown, Citizen Kane, Citizen Ruth, Clash of the Titans, Class Act, Cloak & Dagger, A Clockwork Orange, Cobra Verde, Cockfighter, Coffee and Cigarettes, Commando, Conan the Destroyer, The Conversation, Cool as Ice (pretty much the most absurd movie ever madeit gives Fellini a run for his money!), Cool Hand Luke, Cries and Whispers, Crimes and Misdemeanors, Crumb, Dawn of the Dead (original and remake, though the original is clearly superior), The Day of the Dolphin, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Dead Man, Death Race 2000, The Decline of Western Civilization Part II, The Deer Hunter, Defending Your Life, Demolition High, The Descent, The Devil and Daniel Johnston, Les Diaboliques, Die Hard, Die Hard 2: Die Harder, The Dirty Dozen, The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, Divorce, Italian Style, Do the Right Thing, Double Indemnity, Down by Law, Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Drive Me Crazy, The Drowning Pool, Duck, You Sucker, East of Eden, Ed Wood (guilty pleasure; I cannot stand Tim Burton), 8 Mile (guilty pleasure, obviously), Election, Electra Glide in Blue, The Elephant Man, The Enigma of Kaspar Hauser (a.k.a. Every Man for Himself and God Against All), Eraserhead, Even Dwarfs Started Small, The Exorcist, Eyes Without a Face, A Face in the Crowd, Fail-Safe (not the one with George Clooney, obviously), Fanny and Alexander, Fargo, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, F for Fake, A Fistful of Dollars, Fitzcarraldo, Five Easy Pieces, The 5000 Fingers of Dr. T., The Fly (remake), Follow Me! (a.k.a. The Public Eye), For a Few Dollars More, The Fortune Cookie, The 400 Blows (overrated but amusing), Freaked (a.k.a. Hideous Mutant Freakz), Freaks, The French Connection, Fright Night, The Front, Full Metal Jacket, The Getaway (Steve McQueen not Alec Baldwin), Get Carter (original, obviously), Ghostbusters, Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai, Ghost World, Gimme Shelter, Glengarry Glen Ross (guilty pleasure), The Godfather Part 2 (okay, maybe the first one as well), Goke, Body Snatcher from Hell, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, The Graduate, The Grandmother, Grease 2, The Great Escape, The Great Silence, Grey Gardens, Grizzly Man, Groundhog Day, Guys and Dolls, Hannah and Her Sisters, Happiness, The Happiness of the Katakuris, Harold and Maude, Harper, Harvey, Heart of Glass, Heathers, Heavy Metal Parking Lot, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II, High Noon, High Plains Drifter, His Girl Friday, The Honeymoon Killers, Hostel, Hostel 2, Hot Fuzz, House, House II: The Second Story, How I Got into College, Hud, The Hudsucker Proxy, Husbands and Wives, The Hustler, Hype!, I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Inland Empire, The Innocents (not a great movie but effectively creepy), Instrument (look closely and you will see me in this fine film), Interiors, Interview (remake; I have not seen the original yet), Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978 remake), I.Q., I Spit on Your Grave, It’s a Wonderful Life, Jacobs Ladder, Jezebel, The Joke, Kellys Heroes, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Killer of Sheep, The Killers (I prefer the original, though the Lee Marvin version has its moments...it is sad that I even have a preference...), The Killing, The Killing of a Chinese Bookie, Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang, Knocked up, Kotch, L.A. Confidential (guilty pleasure), Ladybugs, The Last Boy Scout, The Last Detail, The Last Man on Earth, The Last Picture Show, The Legend of Billie Jean, License to Drive, Lifeboat, Little Dieter Needs to Fly, Live Free or Die Hard a.k.a. Die Hard 4.0, Love and Death, Lust for Life (this has got to be the most melodramatic movie ever made), M, Mad Dog and Glory, The Magnificent Ambersons, The Magnificent Seven, The Maltese Falcon (the one with Bogart in it), A Man for All Seasons, Manhattan, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Marathon Man, Marty, Mask (I may be a monster, but even I was touched by this motion picture), Match Point, Maximum Overdrive, Meatballs (this is actually a fairly terrible movie...), Meatballs 2 (this one is even worse than the first one, which was pretty awful in its own right...), Menace II Society, Metropolis, Midnight Cowboy, Miller’s Crossing, Million Dollar Baby (hey, I have a sensitive side...), Miracle Beach, The Missouri Breaks, Mom and Dad Save the Universe, Monster, The Monster Squad, Morgan Stewarts Coming Home, Moving Violations, Mr. Arkadin, Mulholland Dr., The Muppet Movie, My Best Fiend, My Breakfast with Blassie, My Darling Clementine, My Little Eye, Mystery Train, The Naked City, Nekromantik, Nekromantik 2, Network, Nightmare Alley, A Nightmare on Elm Street, A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Night of the Comet, Night of the Living Dead (remake and original), at least sixty percent of Night on Earth (two of the segments are virtually unwatchable; try to guess which two!), The Night Porter, No Country for Old Men, North by Northwest, Nosferatu, Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht, Nurse Betty, The Odd Couple, Office Space (not made of stone, folks...), Oliver!, The Omen (original, obviously), Once, Once Upon a Time in the West, One Crazy Summer, One Flew over the Cuckoos Nest, One, Two, Three, On the Waterfront, Our Man in Havana, Out of Sight (guilty pleasure), The Outlaw Josey Wales, Pale Rider, Palindromes, Paper Moon, Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills, Paradise Lost 2: Revelations, a few segments in Paris, je t’aime, Paris, Texas, Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid, Paths of Glory, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Persona, The Pianist (maybe), Pink Flamingos, The Pirate Movie, Plain Clothes, Point Break, Popeye (the only Robert Altman movie I can stand), The Poseidon Adventure, Predator, Psycho (original, obviously), Pump up the Volume, The Purple Rose of Cairo, Quiz Show, Rachel, Rachel, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Raising Arizona, Rashmon, Rear Window, Red Dawn, Red Road, Rescue Dawn, Ride the High Country, River’s Edge, Rock ‘n’ Roll High School Forever, Roger & Me, Roman Holiday, Rope, Rushmore, The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!, Sabrina (Humphrey Bogart not Harrison Ford), Sal o le 120 giornate di Sodoma, Savannah Smiles, Schramm, Scrooged, Searching for Bobby Fischer, The Secret of NIMH, September, 1776, The Seventh Seal, Seven Samurai, Shadow of a Doubt, Shadows and Fog, Shampoo, Shane, Shawn of the Dead, The Shining, The Shootist, The Shop Around the Corner, Short Time, Sideways, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Silver Bullet, Singles, Six Figures Getting Sick, Sketches of Frank Gehry, Slapshot, Sleepaway Camp, Sleeper, Slither, Snow Day, Sorcerer, Soylent Green, Spellbound (both the documentary and the Hitchcock thriller of the same name), The Spirit of the Beehive, The Squid and the Whale, Stacy, Stalag 17, Stardust Memories, The Sting, Stone Cold, Stop Making Sense, The Straight Story, The Stranger, Strangers on a Train, Strangers with Candy, Stranger Than Paradise, Straw Dogs, A Streetcar Named Desire, Stripes, Stroszek, Suicide Club, Summer School, Sunset Boulevard, The Sunshine Boys, Suspicion, Take the Money and Run, Taking off, The Taking of Pelham One Two Three, The Tao of Steve, Targets, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, The Thing (remake), The Third Man, The 39 Steps, This is Spinal Tap, Three Days of the Condor, Three O’ Clock High, Throne of Blood, Der Todesking, To Catch a Thief, To Have and Have Not, To Live and Die in L.A., Torn Curtain, Touch of Evil, The Towering Inferno, Trapeze, The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, Trees Lounge, Trekkies, The Trial, True Grit, True Stories, 12 Angry Men, 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me, 2001: A Space Odyssey, UHF, Unaccompanied Minors, Unforgiven, Valerie’s Week of Wonders, Vampires Kiss, Versus, Vertigo, Vice Versa, Viridiana, Welcome Home, Roxy Carmichael, Welcome to the Dollhouse, Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe, Westworld, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, White Water Summer, Whos Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Wild at Heart, The Wild Bunch, Wild Man Blues, Wild Strawberries, The Willies, Willy Wonka and His Chocolate Factory, Wise Blood, Woyzeck, A Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica, Year of the Horse (just the interview bits, though; the live footage is boring), Young Sherlock Holmes (maybe), Zapped! and Zidane, un portrait du 21e sicle
Favorite albums: A Lot of People Would Like to See Armand Schaubroeck... DEAD by Armand Schaubroeck Steals, Alright, Still... by Lily Allen, Altar by Sunn O))) and Boris, Altars of Madness by Morbid Angel, The Amazing Bud Powell, Volume One by Bud Powell, America Must be Destroyed by Gay Woman Against Rape, Americans Abroad!!! by Against Me!, Angel Dust by Faith No More, Answer the Phone, Dummy! by Fastbacks, Anything near Water by Chokebore, Appetite for Destruction by Guns ‘n’ Roses, The Argument by Fugazi, Arthur by The Kinks, As the Eternal Cowboy by Against Me!, Astral Weeks by Van Morrison, At Action Park by Shellac, At Budokan by Cheap Trick, At Folsom Prison by Johnny Cash, At San Quentin by Johnny Cash, Audit in Progress by Hot Snakes, Automatic for the People by R.E.M., Automatic Midnight by Hot Snakes, Badmotorfinger by Soundgarden (guilty pleasure), Bakesale by Sebadoh, at least seventy-five percent of Ball-Hog or Tugboat? by Mike Watt, The Bed Is in the Ocean by Karate, Been Caught Buttering by Pungent Stench, The Best Damn Thing by Avril Lavigne, Big Time by Tom Waits, Billion Dollar Babies by Alice Cooper, Blackberry Belle by The Twilight Singers, Black Black by Chokebore, Black Dots by Bad Brains, Black Love by The Afghan Whigs, Black Monk Time by The Monks, The Black Rider by Tom Waits, Black Sea by XTC, Blast Tyrant by Clutch, Bleach by Nirvana, Blessed Are the Sick by Morbid Angel, Blind by Corrosion of Conformity (C.O.C., if you happen to be nasty), Blue Jam by Christopher Morris, The Body the Blood and the Machine by The Thermals, Bone Machine by Tom Waits, Born Innocent by Redd Kross, Breadcrumb Trail by The Frames, The Breast off by Totally Blind Drunk Drivers, Broken Arrow by Neil Young with Crazy Horse, The Bronx by The Bronx, Buck Fever by Estradasphere, Bubblegum by Mark Lanegan Band, Burning Hell by Brainbombs, Burn the Maps by The Frames, Butch by The Geraldine Fibbers, California by Mr. Bungle, Chiropractic by Faxed Head, Chocolate Factory by R. Kelly, Circa Now! by Rocket from the Crypt, Clean as a Broke Dick Dog by The Monkeywrench, Clutch by Clutch, Come Pick Me up by Superchunk, Complete 1931 Recordings in Chronological Order by Skip James, Complete 1982 Demos Plus More by Black Flag, The Complete BBC Peel Sessions by The Delgados, Con Art by Smart Went Crazy, Confederacy of Ruined Lives by Eyehategod, Congregation by The Afghan Whigs, Contemplating the Engine Room by Mike Watt, Copperopolis by Grant Lee Buffalo, Covenant by Morbid Angel, Cowboy in Sweden by Lee Hazlewood, The Crack by The Ruts, Cut by The Bilders, Cut Carefully and Play Loud by Rocket from the Crypt, The Day That Didn’t Exist by The Fastbacks, Death of an Asshole by Emilio Cubeiro, Death to Traitors by Paw, Demons on Wheels by The Demonics, Dig Me out by Sleater-Kinney, The Director’s Cut by Fantomas, Dirt by Alice in Chains (it still holds up!!! I also still like Facelift...fuck you...), Dirty Rhymes & Psychotronic Beats by Pungent Stench, Document by R.E.M., Domination by Morbid Angel, Don’t Get Any on You by Live Skull, Doolittle by Pixies, Dragline by Paw, Dreaming with the Dead by Ripping Corpse, The Drips by The Drips, Dummy by Portishead, Electric Rock Music by Ass Ponys, Electro-O-Pura by Yo La Tengo, The Else by They Might be Giants, Entertainment! by Gang of Four, Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge by Mudhoney, Everything Went Black by Black Flag, Exhibit A by The Features, Exhumed at Birth by Faxed Head, Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple, Fall of the Plastic Empire by Burning Brides, The Family by Satchel, Fantastic Planet by Failure, Far Gone by Love Battery, Featuring “Birds” by Quasi, Field Songs by Mark Lanegan, 50,000 B.C. by Shudder to Think, Flood by They Might be Giants, Fly on a Wire by The Effigies, Foolish by Superchunk, For Ever Grounded by The Effigies, Forget About the Girl by Ideal Social Situation a.k.a. ISS, Forgive Thee by Cheater Slicks, For Ladies Only by Killdozer, For Your Pleasure by Roxy Music, Four by Seaweed, Frank’s Wild Years by Tom Waits, From Bliss to Devastation by Vision of Disorder, The Fugitive Kind by Pleasure Club, Funeral at the Movies by Shudder to Think, Funhouse by The Stooges, Gentlemen by The Afghan Whigs, Get Your Goat by Shudder to Think, Ghost Ship by Sultans, God Hears Pleas of the Innocent by Killdozer, Gods of Chaos by The Flying Luttenbachers, Good Morning Spider by Sparklehorse, Grand Opening and Closing by Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, The Greatest Gift by Scratch Acid, Green by R.E.M., Grim by Ass Ponys, Group Sounds by Rocket from the Crypt, Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs by Marty Robbins, Hallowed Ground by Violent Femmes, Hang Love by Burning Brides, Hard Wired in Ljubljana by Dead Moon, Head/Pure by The Jesus Lizard, Head by The Monkees, Headquarters Sessions by The Monkees, The Hello Recordings by Laura Cantrell, Here Comes the Trick by Pleasure Club, Here’s to Shutting up by Superchunk, Hey Stoopid [sic] by Alice Cooper, Hi, How Are You? by Daniel Johnston, Hollywood Town Hotel by The Jayhawks, Home Is a Strange Place by Paw, Hopscotch Lollipop Sunday Surprise by The Frogs, Hot Charity by Rocket from the Crypt, Hot One by Hot One, The Hot Rock by Sleater-Kinney, Houdini by Melvins, I Against I by Bad Brains, I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass by Yo La Tengo, I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One by Yo La Tengo, If I Don’t Six by Mule, If I Should Fall from Grace with God by The Pogues, I Get Wet by Andrew W.K., Imprint by Vision of Disorder, In An Expression of the Inexpressible by Blonde Redhead, Incesticide by Nirvana, Inches by Les Savy Fav, Indoor Living by Superchunk, In It for the Money by Supergrass, Ink by The Effigies, In Name and Blood by The Murder City Devils, In on the Killtaker by Fugazi, In Person at the Whiskey a Go-Go by Otis Redding, In Place of Real Insight by Karate, Intercepting Fist by Dim Mak, Interiors by Brad, In Utero by Nirvana, Ire Works by The Dillinger Escape Plan, Is This Real? by Wipers, It’s Alive by Ramones, It’s a Miracle by Chokebore, It’s Not How Far You Fall, It’s the Way You Land by Soulsavers, It’s Only Right and Natural by The Frogs, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back by Public Enemy, Jam Room by Clutch, John Henry by They Might be Giants, John Prine by John Prine, Killer by Alice Cooper, Kill from the Heart by Dicks, Kimono My House by Sparks, King of All Kings by Hate Eternal, The Known Universe by Ass Ponys, Koksofen by Caspar Brtzmann Massaker, La Mano Cornuda by The Supersuckers, The La’s by The La’s, Last Splash by The Breeders, Leave Home by Ramones, Leave No Ashes by Burning Brides, Legion by Deicide, Let Love in by Nick Cave and His Bad Seeds, Let’s Start a Beat! by The Monks, Liar by The Jesus Lizard, Life on Other Planets by Supergrass, Limbo by Throwing Muses, Lincoln by They Might be Giants, Liquor Drink by Frosty, Live at Leeds by The Who, Live at Town Hall Party 1958/1959 by Johnny Cash, Live at Winterland 1978 by Sex Pistols (the pleasure this album brings me is rifled with guilt...), Live from Camp X-Ray by Rocket from the Crypt, Live from Mt. Fuji by God, What a Racket, Live Rust by Neil Young and Crazy Horse, Live Seeds by Nick Cave and His Bad Seeds, Live Shit by Quasi, Live Totem Pole by fIREHOSE, Living with the Living by Ted Leo + The Pharmacists, Locust Abortion Technician by Butthole Surfers, Lohio by Ass Ponys, Long Tall Weekend by They Might be Giants, Love and Other Crimes by Lee Hazlewood, Love It to Death by Alice Cooper, Love Suffers Long by Smoke and Smoke, Low Estate by Sixteen Horsepower, Manic Compression by Quicksand, Mantrapping for Sport and Profit by Scissorfight, Mean Mans Dream by Gore, Mighty Joe Moon by Grant Lee Buffalo, Mind Science of the Mind by Mind Science of the Mind, Mirror Ball by Neil Young, Missing Links by The Monkees, Miss Machine by The Dillinger Escape Plan, Moon Pix by Cat Power, Motionless by Chokebore, Mule by Mule, My Brother the Cow by Mudhoney, My War by Black Flag, Murder Ballads by Nick Cave and His Bad Seeds, Naked City by John Zorn, The Name of This Band Is Talking Heads by Talking Heads, Negativland Presents Over the Edge Vol. 4: Dick Vaughn’s Moribund Music of the ‘70s by Negativland, Nervous Breakdown by Black Flag, Never Mind the Bullocks Here’s the Sex Pistols by Sex Pistols (guilty pleasure), Never Never Land by Pink Fairies, New Adventures in Hi-Fi by R.E.M., New Bedford by Astoveboat, New Mansions in Sound by The Fastbacks, No Code by Pearl Jam, The Obliterati by Mission of Burma, Of Natural History by Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, OK Computer by Radiohead, Once Upon the Cross by Deicide, One Inch Masters by Gas Huffer, One on One by Cheap Trick, ONoffON by Mission of Burma, On the Mouth by Superchunk, Pacer by The Amps, Pac-Man Fever by Buckner & Garcia, Paganicons by Saccharine Trust, Painful by Yo La Tengo, Palomar II by Palomar, Paranoid by Black Sabbath, Paranormalized by Six Finger Satellite, A Part from Life by Chokebore, Past Lives by Saccharine Trust, Patriotic Battle Hymns by Born Against, Peaceful Death and Pretty Flowers by Dead Horse, Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys, Piece of Cake by Mudhoney, Pinkerton by Weezer, Pink Flag by Wire, Plagiarism by The Dillinger Escape Plan, Peasant Musik by Kent 3, Pleasure Club by James Hall, Pod by The Breeders, Pony Express Record by Shudder to Think, Prison by Steven Jesse Bernstein, Prowler in the Yard by Pig Destroyer, Psalm 69 by Ministry, Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo! by Devo, Quadrophenia by The Who, Racially Yours by The Frogs, Rain Dogs by Tom Waits, Rated R by Queens of the Stone Age, Ratfucker by Armand Schaubroeck Steals, Raw Power by The Stooges, Red Headed Stranger by Willie Nelson, Red Medicine by Fugazi, Reign in Blood by Slayer, Release by Cop Shoot Cop, Remains Nonviewable by The Effigies, Remembered by P.W. Long, Requiem for an Almost Lady by Lee Hazlewood, Reside by The Effigies, The Return of Rock by The Swingin Neckbreakers, Return of the Frog Queen by Jeremy Enigk, Reveille by Deerhoof, RFTC by Rocket from the Crypt, R.I.P. by The Murder City Devils, R.I.P. by Rocket from the Crypt, Ritual on the Beach by The Demonics, Rock for Light by Bad Brains, Roll the Bones (well, the title track, anyway) by Rush, Run to be Born by Walking Concert, Rust Never Sleeps by Neil Young and Crazy Horse, Scars from Falling down by Steel Pole Bath Tub, School’s out by Alice Cooper, Scraps at Midnight by Mark Lanegan, Scream, Dracula, Scream! by Rocket from the Crypt, Searching for a Former Clarity by Against Me!, Seamonsters by The Wedding Present, Seasick by Imperial Teen, Serial Girlfriend by Holly Golightly, A Session with the Remains by The Remains a.k.a. Barry and the Remains, Set List by The Frames, Sex Bomb Baby by Flipper, Shake the Sheets by Ted Leo + The Pharmacists, Shame by Brad, The Shape of Punk to Come by Refused, Shazam by The Move, Shine a Light by Constantines, Shipwrecked by Sultans, The Shit Hits the Fans by The Replacements, Signals, Calls and Marches by Mission of Burma, Sign O’ the Times by the Artist Formerly and Currently Known as Prince, Silver + Gold by Neil Young, Sleeps with Angels by Neil Young and Crazy Horse, Slip by Quicksand, Solid Gold by Gang of Four, Songs for the Deaf by Queens of the Stone Age, Songs of the Free by Gang of Four, Sound of White Noise by Anthrax, Spanaway by Seaweed, The Spine by They Might be Giants, Spiderland by Slint, The State of Art Is on Fire by Rocket from the Crypt, Starjob by The Frogs, Starters Alternators by The Ex, State Songs by John Linnell, Steady Diet of Nothing by Fugazi, Stoner Witch by Melvins, Stop Making Sense by Talking Heads, Straight Outta Lynwood by “Weird Al” Yankovic, Suicide Invoice by Hot Snakes, Sunny Day Real Estate (or Pink Fly, as my high school friends [both of them] used to call it) by Sunny Day Real Estate, Superunknown by Soundgarden, Surfer Rosa by Pixies, A Taste for Bitters by Chokebore, Teenager of the Year by Frank Black, Ten Cool Ones by Mono Men, Terrorizer by Pig Destroyer, The Haunted Made Me Do It by The Haunted, They Might be Giants by They Might be Giants, Thunder down under by Hot Snakes, Tied down by Negative Approach, To Bring You My Love by PJ Harvey, Tomorrow Hit Today by Mudhoney, Transistor Blast by XTC, Trapped in the Body of a White Girl by Julie Brown, Uncomfortable But Free by Faxed Head, Uncompromising War on Art Under the Dictatorship of the Proletariat by Killdozer, Undisputed Attitude by Slayer, United by Fate by Rival Schools, Up by R.E.M., Uncomfortable But Free by Faxed Head, Unsupervised by Mono Puff, Utopia Banished by Napalm Death, Versions by Poison the Well, Vintage Slide Collections From Seattle, Vol. I by The Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players, Vs. by Mission of Burma, The Way of the Vaselines: A Complete History by The Vaselines, Violent Femmes by Violent Femmes, Weak by Seaweed, We Didnt See You on Sunday by P.W. Longs Reelfoot, Welcome to Sky Valley by Kyuss, What Is Not to Love? by Imperial Teen, What Would the Community Think by Cat Power, When the Pawn by Fiona Apple, Whiskey for the Holy Ghost by Mark Lanegan, Wizzard Brew by Wizzard, The Woods by Sleater-Kinney, Wrung by Mule, Yank Crime by Drive Like Jehu, You Ain’t Know the Man by Young James Long, You Are Free by Cat Power, You Come Before You by Poison the Well, Your Choice Live by Shudder to Think and You Think You Really Know Me by Gary Wilson
Favorite color: Pink
Favorite drink: Chocolate milk
Favorite Spice Girl: With so much talent in one group, who can pick just one?! Maybe Ginger or Sporty...
Best friend: Joseph
Pets: Rory, a black cat who was named after a song by the Vaselines and a character on Gilmore Girls (also, I used to have a black cat named Crispin Glover the Cat)
Car: 2007 Nissan Sentra
What I hate: Cars
Secret crush: Roger Daltrey
First rock show: Drivin’ ‘n’ Cryin’ and the Georgia Satellites in Atlanta, GA in 1992...why are you laughing...?
What goes on first, bra or underwear? Well, the bra, of course...hey!
What’s sexiest on a guy? A sense of humor, of course.
Would you care to model some white cotton panties for me? It’s certainly a tempting offer...
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your one and only Lord and saviour? It’s certainly a tempting offer...
Have you seen Dude, Where’s My Car? yet? Dude, I have not seen it...maybe one day...
Are you a virgin? May as well be one...
Do you smoke? No.
Do you drink? No.
Are you ghetto? Duh! WHAT DO YOU THINK, BITCH?! I’LL BUST A FUCKIN’ CAP IN YO’ MONKEY-ASS, MOTHERFUCKER! You best check yourself before you wreck yourself, fool...don’t make me creep up on your ass!
Are you a player? I’ve had sex with just six girls (one of which was fat), what do you think?
Have you ever beaten someone up for fun? Nah, it’s all business with me.
Are you shy or outgoing? I am shy in the company of powerful men...
Do you shower? Every day, rain or shine.
How easily do you trust people? I don’t really trust anyone, not even myself.
Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing? I have no secrets...I am wholly without secrets...I am sans secrets, secretless...
Would you ever sky dive? No.
Do you like to dance? FUCK YOU! I don’t like to dance, I love to dance! I will do the jitterbug RIGHT NOW if you want me to!
Have you ever been out of state? Uh huh.
Do you like to travel? Sure.
Do you want to get out of your hometown? Desperately...
Are you spoiled? Like a rotten egg...
Do you have a cell phone or pager? I reluctantly own a cell phone. I stopped selling drugs ages ago, thus the pager is no longer needed...
Are you a role model? Ha ha!
What name brand do you wear the most? I don’t wear any name brands. One time a girl was asked to describe me and she said, “I have never seen him wear clothing with writing or logos on it,” which I thought was nice.
Do you like getting your picture taken? Good God, no.
Do you have a tan? I’m Irish...
Do you get annoyed easily? Oh, yeah...in fact, these questions are starting to annoy me...
Do you prefer boxers or briefs? Boxer-briefs, which is what I wear, ladies.
Have you ever been played? More times than I’d like to admit to.
Have you ever played someone? No.
How do you vent your anger? I used to scream and punch walls but now I write or go take a walk...and then kick a few doors when I get back...
Have you ever been fired from a job? No.
Do you daydream a lot? All day.
What was the last compliment you received? “You have a great cock.” Seriously. That’s an exact quote. That was pretty much the best compliment anyone has ever given me.
Do you like getting dirty? I prefer to get dirrty.
Describe your looks: Typical pasty white guy.
What do you like most about your body? My great cock!
What do you like least about your body? I wouldn’t know where to start...
When was the last time you threw up? 2001, right after my first girlfriend broke up with me.
Would you pick a wedgie in public? Is the sky blue?
When was the last time you were at a party? Jesus Christ, May of 2002, I think. I got cornered by two assholes who talked my ear off about Monty Python all night...I thought I was gonna die...
What do you sleep in? Whatever I’m wearing during the day minus the shoes, pants and socks.
What is one of your bad qualities? Too many to pick just one.
What is one of your good qualities? Don’t have any.
Have you ever broken the law? Is Michael Jackson a child molester?
Do you ever think about suicide? Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Do you believe in online dating? I believe in a thing called love...
Do others find you attractive? It seems doubtful...
Do you believe in love at first sight? It seems doubtful...
Do you speak any other languages besides the Queen’s English? Just the International Language of Love.
Do you do any drugs? Nah.
What color underwear are you wearing now? White.
What are you listening to right now? The hum of the computer.
What are the last two digits of your phone number? 48.
What was the last thing you ate? A big slice o’ humble pie.
If you were a crayon what color would you be? Pink.
Are you too shy to ask someone out? Definitely; I am a total coward and I never make the first move.
What’s on your mouse pad? Cartoon of TV personality Conan O’Brien.
What did you do last night? Wrote and then went to sleep.
What do you say when you wake up in the morning? “Kill me, kill me now.”
Do you still talk to your best friends from middle school/high school? Nope, but I didn’t really have any friends in middle school or high school.
What’s on your desk? Stacks of CDs that I have never listened to, a computer, papers, etc.
Have you ever fired a gun? Not yet!
Do you like to travel by plane? It’s better than taking the bus...
Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? I like my peanut butter like I like my men: chunky.
Did you have a ska phase? (Be honest.) Fuck you for even asking such an insulting question!
How do you define straight edge? Are you kidding me?
Beatles or Stones? Neither.
Do unicorns exist? Um, if they don’t exist, then what did I ride to work on top of this morning, smart guy?
Have you ever had sex with someone who had a genital piercing? Not yet!
Is it a turn on when your partner has a genital piercing? I just said I’ve never been with someone who had a genital piercing...
How do you feel about hairy chests? They disgust me, though I do have a soft spot for Tom Selleck...
Do you like watching the penis enter the vagina? What? Um, no.
Would you like to have erotic pictures of your partner? Uh huh. Why, are you game?
Ever reached orgasm without actually being touched/touching yourself? Of course not.
Do you like your partner to watch your face while you orgasm? I would prefer not to be looked at during sex...it gives me the creeps to be stared at by a child...
Have you ever had a rape fantasy? No...of course not... Never... Cough!
Would you have sex (using a condom) with a reasonably attractive stranger for one million dollars tomorrow evening? Fuck, I will do that for free! Just name the time and place, tuff guy...
Ever fantasized about another person while having sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend? But of course—how else could I have fucked a fat girl and maintained an erection whilst doing the deed?
Would you stop having sex to answer the phone? No, but it may have happened once in the past because I was expecting an important call from the King of Prussia...
Longest you’ve gone without having sex since you became sexually active? Almost two years...
Most you’ve had sex in the same day? Three or four times?
What do you typically do after having sex? Pay the man!
How do you feel about the person you lost your virginity to? I think she’s a worthless piece o’ shit...ahem...not that I’m bitter or anything...
Do you think prostitution should be legal? Absolutely.
Does the idea of having sex with a virgin turn you on? No...I did it once before and it was terrible...
When your partner is performing oral sex on you, how much eye contact do you like? As little as humanly possible.
Ever kissed a member of the same sex? Nah...I’m shocked that I’ve even kissed members of the opposite sex!
Would you like your partner to start performing oral sex on you while you slept? I would let someone perform oral sex on me under any circumstance...my mama didn’t raise no fool...
Do you find it sexy to have your toes sucked on or to suck on your partner’s toes? No! I don’t know where those toes have been...!
Have you ever gotten caught in the middle of a masturbation session? Oh, the stories I could tell...
How old were you when you first started masturbating? Thirteen.
Have you ever had or given a discreet hand job in public? Believe or not, the answer is yes.
Where do you see yourself in ten years? In the cold, cold ground.
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? Yer mother.
What is the sound of one hand clapping? [Insert funny answer here.]
Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which later you regret? Yes.
When others are getting rallied, do you remain fairly composed? Yes.
Do you browse through railway timetables, directories or dictionaries just for pleasure? No.
When asked to make a decision, would you be swayed by your like or dislike of the personality involved? Yes.
Do you intend two or less children in your family even though your health and income will permit more? Yes.
Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles when there is no logical reason for it? Sometimes.
Would you prefer to be in a position where you did not have the responsibilities of making decisions? Yes.
Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people? Sometimes.
Do you consider more money should be spent on social security? No.
Do other people interest you very much? No.
Is your voice monotonous rather than varied in pitch? Sometimes.
Do you normally let the other person start the conversation? Yes.
Are you readily interested in other people’s conversations? No.
Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing? Yes.
Are you often impulsive in your behavior? Sometimes.
Do you speak slowly? No.
Are you usually concerned about the need to protect your health? Sometimes.
Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch? No.
Are you normally considerate in your demands on your employees, relatives or pupils? Yes.
Do your past failures still worry you? Yes.
Do you find yourself being extra-active for periods lasting several days? No.
Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do? Yes.
Is it normally hard for you to “own up and take the blame”? No.
Do you have a small circle of close friends rather than a large number of friends, speaking acquaintances? Yes.
Is your life a constant struggle for survival? Yes.
Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it? Yes.
Are you considered warm-hearted by your friends? No.
Would you rather give orders than take them? Yes.
Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates? Yes.
Could you agree to strict discipline? Yes.
Would the idea of making a complete new start cause you much concern? No.
Do you make efforts to get others to laugh and smile? Sometimes.
Do you find it easy to express your emotions? Yes.
Do you refrain from complaining when the other person is late for an appointment? No.
Are you sometimes considered by others a “spoilsport”? No.
Do you consider there are other people who are definitely unfriendly toward you and work against you? Yes.
Would you admit you were wrong just to “keep the peace”? Yes.
Do you have only a few people of whom you are really tender? Yes.
Are you rarely happy unless you have a special reason? Yes.
Do you “circulate around” at a social gathering? No.
Do you take reasonable precaution to prevent accidents? Yes.
Does the idea of talking in front of people make you nervous? Sometimes.
If you saw an article in a shop obviously mistakenly marked lower than its correct price, would you try to get it at that price? Yes.
Do you often feel that people are looking at you or talking about you behind your back? Sometimes.
Are you “always getting into trouble”? No.
Have you any particular hate or fear? Yes.
Do you prefer to be an onlooker rather than participate in any active sport? Yes.
Do you find it easy to be impartial? No.
Can you start the “ball rolling” at a social gathering? No.
Would you “buy on credit” with the hope that you can keep up the payments? No.
Do you get an after-reaction when something unexpected such as an accident or other disturbing incident takes place? Yes.
Do you consider the good of all concerned rather than your own personal advantages? Yes.
When hearing a lecturer, do you sometimes experience the idea that the speaker is referring entirely to you? No.
Does “external noise” rarely interfere with your concentration? Yes.
Are you usually “up-to-date” on everyday affairs? No.
Can you confidently plan and work towards carrying out an event in six months time? Yes.
Do you consider the modern “prisons without bars” system doomed to failure? No.
Do you tend to be careless? No.
Do you ever get a dreamlike feeling toward life when it all seems unreal? No.
Do you speedily recover from the effects of bad news? No.
When you criticize—do you at the same time try to encourage? No.
Are you normally considered “cold”? No.
Are your opinions insufficiently important to tell other people? Yes.
Are you so self-assured that it sometimes annoys others? No.
Do you keep “close contact” on articles of yours which you have loaned to friends? Yes.
Do you enjoy activities of your own choosing? Yes.
Does emotional music have quite an effect on you? Yes.
Do you completely condemn a person because he is a rival or opponent in some aspect of your relations with him? Yes.
Do you often “sit and think” about death, sickness, pain and sorrow? Yes.
Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity? Yes.
Are you always collecting things which “might be useful”? No.
Would you criticize faults and point out the bad points on someone else’s character or handiwork? Yes.
Are you openly appreciative of beautiful things? No.
Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you? No.
Do you greet people effusively? No.
Do you often ponder on previous misfortunes? Yes.
Are you sometimes considered forceful in your actions or opinions? Yes.
Do you accept criticism easily and without resentment? Yes.
Are you usually undisturbed by “noises off” when you are trying to rest? No.
Are you likely to be jealous? No.
Do you tend to put off doing things and then discover it is too late? Yes.
Do you prefer to abide by the wishes of others rather than seek to have your own way? Yes.
Do you find it easy to get yourself started on a project? Sometimes.
Do you bite your fingernails or chew the end of your pencil? No.
Do you “turn up the volume” of your emotions just to create an effect? Sometimes.
If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country? Yes.
Are there some things about yourself on which you are touchy? No.
Do you have few interests and activities that are your own choice? No.
Do you ever get a single thought which hangs around for days? Yes.
Are you a slow eater? No.
Can you be a stabilizing influence when others get panicky? No.
Would you stop and find out whether a person needed help even though they had not directly asked you for it? No.
Are you prejudiced in favor of your own school, college, club or team, etc.? No.
Do you pay your debts and keep your promises when it is possible? Yes.
Do you sleep well? Yes.
Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you? No.
Do you prefer to take a passive role in any club or organization to which you belong? Yes.
Are you logical and scientific in your thinking? Yes.
Does the youth of today have more opportunity than that of a generation ago? Yes.
Do you throw things away only to discover that you need them later? Yes.
Would you give up easily on a given course if it were causing you a considerable amount of inconvenience? Yes.
Do you wax enthusiastic about only a few subjects? Yes.
Do you rarely suspect the actions of others? No.
Do you sometimes wonder if anyone really cares about you? Yes.
Do you turn down responsibility because you doubt your fitness to cope? Yes.
Do you sometimes feel compelled to repeat some interesting item or tidbit? Yes.
Do you tend to exaggerate a justifiable grievance? Yes.
Is your facial expression varied rather than set? No.
Do you usually need to justify or back up an opinion once stated? Yes.
Do you openly and sincerely admire beauty in other people? No.
Would it take a definite effort on your part to consider the subject of suicide? No.
Would you consider yourself energetic in your attitude toward life? No.
Would a disagreement affect your general relationship with another person? Yes.
Does a minor failure on your part rarely trouble you? No.
Do you sometimes feel that you talk too much? Yes.
Do you smile much? No.
Are you easily pleased? No.
When met with direct opposition would you still seek to have your own way rather than give in? Yes.
Do others push you around? Sometimes.
Do you make allowances for your friends where with others you might judge more severely? No.
Do you often ponder over your own inferiority? Yes.
Do children irritate you? Yes.
Do you do much grumbling about conditions you have to face in life? Yes.
Do you sometimes feel that your age is against you (too young or too old)? Yes.
Do you tend to hide your feelings? No.
Do you consider you have many warm friends? No.
Provided the distance was not too great, would you still prefer to ride rather than walk? No.
Are you a vegetarian? No. Not only that, but I refuse to eat food that is cruelty-free.
Do you believe in heaven? “Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.”
Do you wear makeup? Um...no...of course not...ahem.
Have you ever done anything illegal? Who, moi?! (Makes a look that screams “I’m a lil’ stinker!”)
Do you scream on roller coasters? I do not ride roller coasters. I also hate fireworks and most other fun things. Deal with it.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Just copious amounts of jism. (I had to have my stomach pumped!)
What is the last heavy item you lifted? A human body. The less said about this, the better.
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you would die? Oh, I already know that day...and you will know it too, especially if you dine at the Burger King on St. Charles Avenue... [Cue thunderclap.]
Are you a friendly person? Fuck your mother.
Have you ever used an electric toothbrush as a vibrator? No. I have used one to brush my teeth, though.
Did you ever bring a weapon to high school? Yes, my mind. It's a dangerous weapon!
Do you know what a sphincter actually is? Do I!!! I call it The Pleasure Zone.
Do you think you have a good handle on spelling? I du indede! ;)
Where do you wish you were right now? In the arms of a beautiful woman...or a curious young man...one or the other.
Ever try to dance like Michael Jackson? Not even once. However, I did do The Bartman once in 1991... I am not ashamed.
You are on an LSD binge in the Smurf village. What do you do? Paint the town blue?
Who would you sentence to ten years hard labor up north shaving tree bark with their teeth? That war criminal George W. Bush. I got my eye on you, Mr. President!
Do you secretly think SS uniforms look kinda neat? Sigh. Did Marilyn Manson write this question?
What are you thinking about? Quantum physics...and whether or not to pound one out before bed...
Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Pray for death.
Are you gay? Only on Saturdays. And Tuesdays. And anytime there’s a full moon.
Ever commit a crime and get away with it? Fuck yeah. The crime? Love. Love’s my only crime.
It’s two in the morning and you have a rifle, a half-eaten sausage and a fifth of bourbon. What do you do? Toss the sausage in the garbage, give the booze to a homeless person and shoot myself in the face with the rifle. Duh.
You’ve been tilting heavily at the whiskey all night and are given gardening tools. What will you do? Garden.
Have you ever peed somewhere besides the toilet? Yes, in a girl’s vagina. (Just kidding, ladies...unless you're into that sort of thing...and, really, why wouldn’t you be?)
What things are in your backpack? Pencils, a sketchbook and your mother’s diaphragm.
What was the last thing you touched? A young girl’s heart, I’d imagine.
Last gift you received: The gift of life. I want to exchange it for something else.
Last great book I read: I...never...learned...to read!
Favorite on-screen sex scene: There’s this little striptease scene in Porky’s 3: The Revenge that always did it for me... Cough.
Celebrity I resemble most: Actually, once I was walking down the street and this teenaged girl shouted out at me that I looked “like a young Andy Warhol.” Insulted, I blurted out, “Is that supposed to be some kind of a compliment?!” I’ve also heard Paul Lynde (!) and Billy Corgan (?). And then there’s Christian Slater... I’ve heard that one three times in my lifetime. Does Christian Slater have this much trouble getting laid?!
Best (or worst) lie I’ve ever told: I don’t lie (that in itself is a pretty good lie)...
If I could be anywhere at the moment: I’d be right here filling out this delightful form!
Song or album that puts me in the mood: What kind of mood? Anything by The White Stripes will put me into a bad mood...
The five items I can’t live without:
My record player ‘n’ rekkids
My typewriter
My vibrator
My back issues of Ugly American
You, dearest computer friend!
Fill in the blanks: David Lee Roth is sexy; Sammy Hagar is sexier.
In my bedroom, you’ll find: Me, I guess. Maybe some pornography if you know where to look...
Ever kill a man just to watch him die? Once, but I looked away at the last second and missed it completely...
Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? I never kiss and tell.
On my tombstone: “Joseph Larkin”
*Can anyone really know Joseph? Can anyone really know anyone?! Of course not.