Full name: Joseph Patrick Larkin
Nicknames: J.P., J. La, Joseph from the Block, DJ Jazzy J.P., The Irish Combat Boot, Chuckles, The Real Green River Killer
Date of birth: 06/02/78
Place of birth: St. Paul, MN
Sex: Yes, please (oooh, so clever!!!)
Siblings: Three older sisters
Parents: Are alright, they just seem a little weird...
Weight: Roughly one hundred and fifty pounds soaking wet (and by "soaking wet" I mean "turned on"...meow!)
Height: 5'7" soaking wet
Piercings: Labia
Tattoos: A butterfly on my lower back, a Chinese character that means "wisdom" on my elbow, a bar code on the back of my neck and one on my ass that says "Property of Henry Rollins"
Religion: No thanks
Shoe size: I have no idea
Social security number: 572-HEY!!
Hair color: Dirty blond
Eye color: Blue
Writing hand: Right
Masturbating hand: See above
Occupation: Stay-at-home-mom
Marital status: Married but looking
Hobbies: Is chronic masturbation considered a hobby?
Favorite food: That's a little personal, ain't it? Popeyes mashed potatoes with gravy
Favorite color: Pink
Favorite drink: Chocolate milk
Favorite Spice Girl: With so much talent in one group, who can pick just one?! Maybe Ginger or Sporty...
Best friend: Joseph
Pets: Rory, a black cat who was named after a song by the Vaselines and a character on Gilmore Girls (also, I used to have a black cat named Crispin Glover the Cat)
Car: 2007 Nissan Sentra
What I hate: Cars
Secret crush: Roger Daltrey
First rock show: Drivin' 'n' Cryin' and the Georgia Satellites in Atlanta, GA in 1992...why are you laughing...?
What goes on first, bra or underwear? Well, the bra, of course...hey!
What's sexiest on a guy? A sense of humor, of course.
Would you care to model some white cotton panties for me? It's certainly a tempting offer...
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your one and only Lord and saviour? It's certainly a tempting offer...
Have you seen Dude, Where's My Car? yet? Dude, I have not seen it...maybe one day...
Are you a virgin? May as well be one...
Do you smoke? No.
Do you drink? No.
Are you ghetto? Duh! WHAT DO YOU THINK, BITCH?! I'LL BUST A FUCKIN' CAP IN YO' MONKEY-ASS, MOTHERFUCKER! You best check yourself before you wreck yourself, fool...don't make me creep up on your ass!
Are you a player? I've had sex with just nine girls (one of which was fat), what do you think?
Have you ever beaten someone up for fun? Nah, it's all business with me.
Are you shy or outgoing? I am shy in the company of powerful men...
Do you shower? Every day, rain or shine.
How easily do you trust people? I don't really trust anyone, not even myself.
Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing? I have no secrets...I am wholly without secrets...I am sans secrets, secretless...
Would you ever sky dive? No.
Do you like to dance? FUCK YOU! I don't like to dance, I love to dance! I will do the jitterbug RIGHT NOW if you want me to!
Have you ever been out of state? Uh huh.
Do you like to travel? Sure.
Do you want to get out of your hometown? Desperately...
Are you spoiled? Like a rotten egg...
Do you have a cell phone or pager? I reluctantly own a cell phone. I stopped selling drugs ages ago, thus the pager is no longer needed...
Are you a role model? Ha ha!
What name brand do you wear the most? I don't wear any name brands. One time a girl was asked to describe me and she said, "I have never seen him wear clothing with writing or logos on it," which I thought was nice.
Do you like getting your picture taken? Good God, no.
Do you have a tan? I'm Irish...
Do you get annoyed easily? Oh, yeah...in fact, these questions are starting to annoy me...
Do you prefer boxers or briefs? Boxer-briefs, which is what I wear, ladies.
Have you ever been played? More times than I'd like to admit to.
Have you ever played someone? No.
How do you vent your anger? I used to scream and punch walls but now I write or go take a walk...and then kick a few doors when I get back...
Have you ever been fired from a job? No.
Do you daydream a lot? All day.
What was the last compliment you received? "You have a great cock." Seriously. That's an exact quote. That was pretty much the best compliment anyone has ever given me.
Do you like getting dirty? I prefer to get dirrty.
Describe your looks: Typical pasty white guy.
What do you like most about your body? My great cock!
What do you like least about your body? I wouldn't know where to start...
When was the last time you threw up? 2001, right after my first girlfriend broke up with me.
Would you pick a wedgie in public? Is the sky blue?
When was the last time you were at a party? Jesus Christ, May of 2002, I think. I got cornered by two assholes who talked my ear off about Monty Python all night...I thought I was gonna die...
What do you sleep in? Whatever I'm wearing during the day minus the shoes, pants and socks.
What is one of your bad qualities? Too many to pick just one.
What is one of your good qualities? Don't have any.
Have you ever broken the law? Is Michael Jackson a child molester? (R.I.P.)
Do you ever think about suicide? Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Do you believe in online dating? I believe in a thing called love...
Do others find you attractive? It seems doubtful...
Do you believe in love at first sight? It seems doubtful...
Do you speak any other languages besides the Queen's English? Just the International Language of Love.
Do you do any drugs? Nah.
What color underwear are you wearing now? White.
What are you listening to right now? The hum of the computer.
What are the last two digits of your phone number? 48.
What was the last thing you ate? A big slice o' humble pie.
If you were a crayon what color would you be? Pink.
Are you too shy to ask someone out? Definitely; I am a total coward and I never make the first move.
What's on your mouse pad? Cartoon of TV personality Conan O'Brien.
What did you do last night? Wrote and then went to sleep.
What do you say when you wake up in the morning? Kill me, kill me now.
Do you still talk to your best friends from middle school/high school? Nope, but I didn't really have any friends in middle school or high school.
What's on your desk? Stacks of CDs that I have never listened to, a computer, papers, etc.
Have you ever fired a gun? Not yet!
Do you like to travel by plane? It's better than taking the bus...
Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? I like my peanut butter like I like my men: chunky.
Did you have a ska phase? (Be honest.) Fuck you for even asking such an insulting question!
How do you define straight edge? Are you kidding me?
Beatles or Stones? Neither.
Do unicorns exist? Um, if they don't exist, then what did I ride to work on top of this morning, smart guy?
Have you ever had sex with someone who had a genital piercing? Not yet!
Is it a turn on when your partner has a genital piercing? I just said I've never been with someone who had a genital piercing...
How do you feel about hairy chests? They disgust me, though I do have a soft spot for Tom Selleck...
Do you like watching the penis enter the vagina? What? Um, no.
Would you like to have erotic pictures of your partner? Uh huh. Why, are you game?
Ever reached orgasm without actually being touched/touching yourself? Of course not.
Do you like your partner to watch your face while you orgasm? I would prefer not to be looked at during sex...it gives me the creeps to be stared at by a child...
Have you ever had a rape fantasy? No...of course not... Never... Cough!
Would you have sex (using a condom) with a reasonably attractive stranger for one million dollars tomorrow evening? Fuck, I will do that for free! Just name the time and place, tuff guy...
Ever fantasized about another person while having sex with a boyfriend/girlfriend? But of course! How else could I have fucked a fat girl and maintained an erection whilst doing the nefarious deed?
Would you stop having sex to answer the phone? No, but it may have happened once in the past because I was expecting an important call from the King of Prussia...
Longest you've gone without having sex since you became sexually active? Almost two years...
Most you've had sex in the same day? Three or four times?
What do you typically do after having sex? Pay the man!
How do you feel about the person you lost your virginity to? I think she's a worthless piece o' shit...ahem...not that I'm bitter or anything...
Do you think prostitution should be legal? Absolutely.
Does the idea of having sex with a virgin turn you on? No...I did it once before and it was terrible...
When your partner is performing oral sex on you, how much eye contact do you like? As little as humanly possible.
Ever kissed a member of the same sex? Nah...I'm shocked that I've even kissed members of the opposite sex!
Would you like your partner to start performing oral sex on you while you slept? I would let someone perform oral sex on me under any circumstance...my mama didn't raise no fool...
Do you find it sexy to have your toes sucked on or to suck on your partner's toes? No! I don't know where those toes have been...!
Have you ever gotten caught in the middle of a masturbation session? Oh, the stories I could tell...
How old were you when you first started masturbating? Thirteen.
Have you ever had or given a discreet hand job in public? Believe or not, the answer is yes.
Where do you see yourself in ten years? In the cold, cold ground.
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? Yer mother.
What is the sound of one hand clapping? [Insert funny answer here.]
Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which later you regret? Yes.
When others are getting rallied, do you remain fairly composed? Yes.
Do you browse through railway timetables, directories or dictionaries just for pleasure? No.
When asked to make a decision, would you be swayed by your like or dislike of the personality involved? Yes.
Do you intend two or less children in your family even though your health and income will permit more? Yes.
Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles when there is no logical reason for it? Sometimes.
Would you prefer to be in a position where you did not have the responsibilities of making decisions? Yes.
Are your actions considered unpredictable by other people? Sometimes.
Do you consider more money should be spent on social security? No.
Do other people interest you very much? No.
Is your voice monotonous rather than varied in pitch? Sometimes.
Do you normally let the other person start the conversation? Yes.
Are you readily interested in other people's conversations? No.
Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing? Yes.
Are you often impulsive in your behavior? Sometimes.
Do you speak slowly? No.
Are you usually concerned about the need to protect your health? Sometimes.
Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch? No.
Are you normally considerate in your demands on your employees, relatives or pupils? Yes.
Do your past failures still worry you? Yes.
Do you find yourself being extra-active for periods lasting several days? No.
Do you resent the efforts of others to tell you what to do? Yes.
Is it normally hard for you to "own up and take the blame"? No.
Do you have a small circle of close friends rather than a large number of friends, speaking acquaintances? Yes.
Is your life a constant struggle for survival? Yes.
Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it? Yes.
Are you considered warm-hearted by your friends? No.
Would you rather give orders than take them? Yes.
Do you enjoy telling people the latest scandal about your associates? Yes.
Could you agree to strict discipline? Yes.
Would the idea of making a complete new start cause you much concern? No.
Do you make efforts to get others to laugh and smile? Sometimes.
Do you find it easy to express your emotions? Yes.
Do you refrain from complaining when the other person is late for an appointment? No.
Are you sometimes considered by others a "spoilsport"? No.
Do you consider there are other people who are definitely unfriendly toward you and work against you? Yes.
Would you admit you were wrong just to "keep the peace"? Yes.
Do you have only a few people of whom you are really tender? Yes.
Are you rarely happy unless you have a special reason? Yes.
Do you "circulate around" at a social gathering? No.
Do you take reasonable precaution to prevent accidents? Yes.
Does the idea of talking in front of people make you nervous? Sometimes.
If you saw an article in a shop obviously mistakenly marked lower than its correct price, would you try to get it at that price? Yes.
Do you often feel that people are looking at you or talking about you behind your back? Sometimes.
Are you "always getting into trouble"? No.
Have you any particular hate or fear? Yes.
Do you prefer to be an onlooker rather than participate in any active sport? Yes.
Do you find it easy to be impartial? No.
Can you start the "ball rolling" at a social gathering? No.
Would you "buy on credit" with the hope that you can keep up the payments? No.
Do you get an after-reaction when something unexpected such as an accident or other disturbing incident takes place? Yes.
Do you consider the good of all concerned rather than your own personal advantages? Yes.
When hearing a lecturer, do you sometimes experience the idea that the speaker is referring entirely to you? No.
Does "external noise" rarely interfere with your concentration? Yes.
Are you usually "up-to-date" on everyday affairs? No.
Can you confidently plan and work towards carrying out an event in six months time? Yes.
Do you consider the modern "prisons without bars" system doomed to failure? No.
Do you tend to be careless? No.
Do you ever get a dreamlike feeling toward life when it all seems unreal? No.
Do you speedily recover from the effects of bad news? No.
When you criticize, do you at the same time try to encourage? No.
Are you normally considered "cold"? No.
Are your opinions insufficiently important to tell other people? Yes.
Are you so self-assured that it sometimes annoys others? No.
Do you keep "close contact" on articles of yours which you have loaned to friends? Yes.
Do you enjoy activities of your own choosing? Yes.
Does emotional music have quite an effect on you? Yes.
Do you completely condemn a person because he is a rival or opponent in some aspect of your relations with him? Yes.
Do you often "sit and think" about death, sickness, pain and sorrow? Yes.
Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity? Yes.
Are you always collecting things which "might be useful"? No.
Would you criticize faults and point out the bad points on someone else's character or handiwork? Yes.
Are you openly appreciative of beautiful things? No.
Do you sometimes give away articles which strictly speaking do not belong to you? No.
Do you greet people effusively? No.
Do you often ponder on previous misfortunes? Yes.
Are you sometimes considered forceful in your actions or opinions? Yes.
Do you accept criticism easily and without resentment? Yes.
Are you usually undisturbed by "noises off" when you are trying to rest? No.
Are you likely to be jealous? No.
Do you tend to put off doing things and then discover it is too late? Yes.
Do you prefer to abide by the wishes of others rather than seek to have your own way? Yes.
Do you find it easy to get yourself started on a project? Sometimes.
Do you bite your fingernails or chew the end of your pencil? No.
Do you "turn up the volume" of your emotions just to create an effect? Sometimes.
If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country? Yes.
Are there some things about yourself on which you are touchy? No.
Do you have few interests and activities that are your own choice? No.
Do you ever get a single thought which hangs around for days? Yes.
Are you a slow eater? No.
Can you be a stabilizing influence when others get panicky? No.
Would you stop and find out whether a person needed help even though they had not directly asked you for it? No.
Are you prejudiced in favor of your own school, college, club or team, etc.? No.
Do you pay your debts and keep your promises when it is possible? Yes.
Do you sleep well? Yes.
Would you use corporal punishment on a child aged ten if it refused to obey you? No.
Do you prefer to take a passive role in any club or organization to which you belong? Yes.
Are you logical and scientific in your thinking? Yes.
Does the youth of today have more opportunity than that of a generation ago? Yes.
Do you throw things away only to discover that you need them later? Yes.
Would you give up easily on a given course if it were causing you a considerable amount of inconvenience? Yes.
Do you wax enthusiastic about only a few subjects? Yes.
Do you rarely suspect the actions of others? No.
Do you sometimes wonder if anyone really cares about you? Yes.
Do you turn down responsibility because you doubt your fitness to cope? Yes.
Do you sometimes feel compelled to repeat some interesting item or tidbit? Yes.
Do you tend to exaggerate a justifiable grievance? Yes.
Is your facial expression varied rather than set? No.
Do you usually need to justify or back up an opinion once stated? Yes.
Do you openly and sincerely admire beauty in other people? No.
Would it take a definite effort on your part to consider the subject of suicide? No.
Would you consider yourself energetic in your attitude toward life? No.
Would a disagreement affect your general relationship with another person? Yes.
Does a minor failure on your part rarely trouble you? No.
Do you sometimes feel that you talk too much? Yes.
Do you smile much? No.
Are you easily pleased? No.
When met with direct opposition would you still seek to have your own way rather than give in? Yes.
Do others push you around? Sometimes.
Do you make allowances for your friends where with others you might judge more severely? No.
Do you often ponder over your own inferiority? Yes.
Do children irritate you? Yes.
Do you do much grumbling about conditions you have to face in life? Yes.
Do you sometimes feel that your age is against you (too young or too old)? Yes.
Do you tend to hide your feelings? No.
Do you consider you have many warm friends? No.
Provided the distance was not too great, would you still prefer to ride rather than walk? No.
Are you a vegetarian? No. Not only that, but I refuse to eat food that is cruelty-free.
Do you believe in heaven? "Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens."
Do you wear makeup? Um...no...of course not...ahem.
Have you ever done anything illegal? Who, moi?! (Makes a look that screams "I'm a lil' stinker!")
Do you scream on roller coasters? I do not ride roller coasters. I also hate fireworks and most other fun things. Deal with it.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Just copious amounts of jism. (I had to have my stomach pumped!)
What is the last heavy item you lifted? A human body. The less said about this, the better.
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you would die? Oh, I already know that day...and you will know it too, especially if you dine at the Burger King on St. Charles Avenue... [Cue thunderclap.]
Are you a friendly person? Fuck your mother.
Have you ever used an electric toothbrush as a vibrator? No. I have used one to brush my teeth, though.
Did you ever bring a weapon to high school? Yes, my mind. It's a dangerous weapon!
Do you know what a sphincter actually is? Do I!!! I call it The Pleasure Zone.
Do you think you have a good handle on spelling? I du indede! ;)
Where do you wish you were right now? In the arms of a beautiful woman...or a curious young man...one or the other.
Ever try to dance like Michael Jackson? Not even once. However, I did do The Bartman once in 1991... I am not ashamed.
You are on an LSD binge in the Smurf village. What do you do? Paint the town blue?
Who would you sentence to ten years hard labor up north shaving tree bark with their teeth? That war criminal George W. Bush. I got my eye on you, Mr. President!
Do you secretly think SS uniforms look kinda neat? Sigh. Did Marilyn Manson write this question?
What are you thinking about? Quantum physics...and whether or not to pound one out before bed...
Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Pray for death.
Are you gay? Only on Saturdays. And Tuesdays. And anytime there's a full moon.
Ever commit a crime and get away with it? Fuck yeah. The crime? Love. Love's my only crime.
It's two in the morning and you have a rifle, a half-eaten sausage and a fifth of bourbon. What do you do? Toss the sausage in the garbage, give the booze to a homeless person and shoot myself in the face with the rifle. Duh.
You've been tilting heavily at the whiskey all night and are given gardening tools. What will you do? Garden.
Have you ever peed somewhere besides the toilet? Yes, in a girl's vagina. (Just kidding, ladies...unless you're into that sort of thing...and, really, why wouldn't you be?)
What things are in your backpack? Pencils, a sketchbook and your mother's diaphragm.
What was the last thing you touched? A young girl's heart, I'd imagine.
Last gift you received: The gift of life. I want to exchange it for something else.
Last great book I read: I...never...learned...to read!
Favorite on-screen sex scene: There's this little striptease scene in Porky's 3: The Revenge that always did it for me... Cough.
Celebrity I resemble most: Actually, once I was walking down the street and this teenaged girl shouted out at me that I looked "like a young Andy Warhol." Insulted, I blurted out, "Is that supposed to be some kind of a compliment?!" I;ve also heard Paul Lynde (!) and Billy Corgan (?). And then there's Christian Slater... I've heard that one three times in my lifetime. Does Christian Slater have this much trouble getting laid?!
Best (or worst) lie I've ever told: I don't lie (that in itself is a pretty good lie)...
If I could be anywhere at the moment: I'd be right here filling out this delightful form!
Song or album that puts me in the mood: What kind of mood? Anything by The White Stripes will put me into a bad mood...
The five items I can't live without:
My record player 'n' rekkids
My typewriter
My vibrator
My back issues of Ugly American
You, dearest computer friend!
Fill in the blanks: David Lee Roth is sexy; Sammy Hagar is sexier.
In my bedroom, you'll find: Me, I guess. Maybe some pornography if you know where to look...
Ever kill a man just to watch him die? Once, but I looked away at the last second and missed it completely...
Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? I never kiss and tell.
On my tombstone: Joseph Larkin
*Can anyone really know Joseph? Can anyone really know anyone?! Of course not.