This defining moment in American history must be celebrated! I ask that this December 24th (and each subsequent December 24th) you join me in celebrating Wanking Day! You'll be glad you did.

To observe Wanking Day properly, ask a loved one to join you in the act of self-gratification (you two can put on a little show for each other or you could ask that special someone to give you a hand, pun intended). If no one loves you and you spend Wanking Day alone like you do all holidays, then take this joyous occasion to honor Joseph in a way that he would see fit: lock yourself in the family bathroom and masturbate to the Sears catalog just like he used to do all those years ago. And remember: Wanking Day is about spending time with your loved ones; don't let it get all commercial like Veteran's Day.

Alright, people: Have a safe and enjoyable Wanking Day this year and may God bless us everyone.

Now, on a completely unrelated note, I have found that the Internet is truly a pedophile's wet dream come true. On my adventures in cyberspace, I have found these weird little sites that unknowingly peddle this sort of thing. I guess the premise is that girls (seemingly always under the age of at least twenty) send in pictures of themselves and then patrons are asked to rate how "hot" or "not" they are. What's sad is that many of these young girls will take pictures of themselves in bathing suits in an effort to be voted a higher rating. Well! I find this all very creepy and you can bet that I will continue to monitor these sites indefinitely.